Welcome to the Dark Twisty Corner…

Maybe it was because I never saw what love, the romantic kind, looked like.

The story as I know it is, my parents grew up in a small town somewhere in Vietnam (I’m sure they’ve told me the name of it a gazillion and one times, but I can’t seem to remember). The families knew each other, one of my father’s sister was even in the same class as my mom’s. The two never really had interaction between them, just knowing in passing that he was so and so’s older brother and she was the little sister’s classmate. A war and years later, my mother was sponsored after being a refugee and was living in Ottawa, Ontario in Canada, my dad in Denver, Colorado, USA. My dad’s older sister was living in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and so my maternal grandmother contacted my mom saying that she should make the trek to visit because it’s some sense of familiarity, since they all came from the same small town and all. From then, the details got all hazy, but then the grandparents had the bright idea that my mother and father should marry, and even when my maternal grandparent was really ill, got my mom to agree.

It’s not really a love story, nor is it technically an arranged marriage (even though I say it is, to make the explanation simpler). It’s a union that was formed by filial piety. My parents got together because of a request my grandparents made, and there wasn’t a better alternative to turn to.

I don’t know if there was ever any actual love involved in their marriage, at least not in the beginning, or throughout my childhood it seems. Nowadays, after 28 years of marriage, I know that my father has come to care for my mother a lot, but I don’t feel that it’s the same the other way around. At least I don’t see it, not with the things she says and the things she does.

So maybe that’s why I don’t know what the romantic love is supposed to be like.

I used to get really envious when I would be at a friend’s house and I would see their parents being affectionate towards one another. Sneaking a kiss on the cheek here, being concerned about how the other’s day was, and all that normal stuff. At my house, my parents rarely asked each other how they were doing, heck they never even asked me how my day went. When my father would try to give her a kiss, or a hug, or even try and be affectionate in any sort of way, she would turn away or push him away as if she was repulsed.

So seeing all of my friend’s parents and family being so loving, I always yearned for a household like that. It would make my heart ache and yearn for it all, and I would even get that heart twisting feel. Common thoughts growing up were always along the lines of ‘Why aren’t my parents like that? Why aren’t my parents happy like them?’ of course a lot of times it was accompanied by tears of a child who at times felt like she wasn’t loved by her parents either. But that part seemed to be more of a cultural thing, because at the end of the day my parents do care, they just have a fucking stupid way of showing it when I was growing up. Even now, I seem to have a hard time accepting that I was loved by them.

So that brings me to my dark twisty corner, one that I never can seem to stray too far from.

I know my self worth, I’m confident in most things. I believe that I am a successful person, and that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to. I know that whoever I end up spending the rest of my life with would be one lucky guy to have me.

Yet…

I can’t fathom ever being loved or cared for in the same ways I saw those parents when I was growing up, or the couples I see on the streets caring for each other. I can’t imagine anyone ever caring for me above themselves, or placing me in high priority. The most ridiculous thing about these thoughts are, I can always see Guy friend feeling that way towards Girl friend. I just can’t imagine anyone feeling that way towards me.

It’s as if I’m incapable of being loved for whatever reason beyond me. Maybe it’s because I can’t really grasp the idea of being loved because I don’t really know what it is or what it looks like. Or maybe it’s because I’ve never had anyone show interest in me until the last couple of years and that inserts this self doubt that looms over me.

I feel closed off from love, and it makes it that much harder to imagine being loved. No one cared for me before, so why would anyone start now? I’ve always been me, and unless I change into someone else, it’s just going to be me. I wouldn’t even know what to change or how to change to make it so that I’m capable of being loved.

I only want to be loved and cherished and cared for.

The fact that it has eluded me all this time hurts. It hurts so much and it makes it really hard to leave this dark and twisty corner of my mind. I want to believe that I can be loved, and that I deserved to be loved, but everything thus far has made it really hard to believe in that. Sometimes, I wonder if my so-deemed “success” in life required a trade off in the love department. If that’s the case, I rather be unsuccessful and struggling yet loved, than where I am in life right now.

The lack of love has made me question a lot of things, all of it being about myself. Sometimes, I find myself coming to the conclusion that I’m unfortunate, and that I’m destined to never be loved. Even to the extent that I don’t deserve to be loved by another person because I fucked up somewhere so bad and that this is karma’s way of getting back at me. I never think that the issue is with the people around me, it’s always my fault in some way that I can’t be loved.

Why would anyone want to love and care for me?


An Update

So, I fell off the bandwagon when it came down to keeping myself accountable. After the last post, I just realized how each day was becoming a cheat day, and I was just getting really discouraged and unmotivated to keep track of everything. It wasn’t that I fell off right away, there was a week where I had to go out to buy another tank to work out in because I ran out of tanks to wear to go work out in. My lowest weight at one point was 118.0 or was it 117.6? One of the two, I may have just had that second number in my head for no reason.

But since all that, stress has come and it appears to stay. I’m a stress eater. Not to mention, if I’m in stress mode for long enough, I get into this depressed mode. Depressed eating is even worse than stress eating. Depressed mode is where I eat and I don’t even care that I’m eating.

All in all, I feel pretty crappy as of right now. I’m not sure if I’m bloated or I’m gaining back the weight and everything. All I can say is that I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER. I need to go back to clean eating, monitoring what I eat, limiting what I eat. It didn’t help that I just bought another box of those snack packages of Oreos, the ones where there’s 6 cookies in a pouch. OREOS ARE SO GOOD THOUGH!

I need to go back to going out to the gym again, spend time there, but then now a days I’m so tired. Tired enough that I can pass out for 2-3 hours for a nap and then go back to sleep later on. But I also haven’t been sleeping very well, waking up around 6 regardless of what time I went to bed (even if it’s 3:30am) and then waking up every hour since. I realize that I have a lot of things to do, and time is running out! Which makes me not want to go to the gym even more.

But no excuses. I can’t let myself keep making these excuses. I made a promise to myself, I gifted myself better health for my birthday. That is what I need to work towards. I did decide that once I hit 115, I was going to bake a tiramisu cake from scratch to celebrate though? I know it’s counter intuitive, but tiramisu is my absolute favorite cake/dessert there is out there and I can eat it all day if I didn’t have to face all the unpleasant consequences.

In any case, I’ll post my “new” starting weight again, and start this journey all over again, tomorrow morning first thing so I’m more consistent with when I measure my weight. At first you don’t succeed, try and try again right? Eventually I’ll get down to what I want to get to. 

In terms of food, I’m refraining from going to the store unless I need to. It’s going to be a creative adventure that may or may not be clean to just eat all the food that I have laying around in my kitchen. Tonight I made a Thai Curry Soup, and for dessert I made chè xanh (a Vietnamese dessert soup with mung bean and coconut milk).

And I need to start writing out my to do lists again, otherwise things get forgotten or never done. So unfortunately, this is where that bit of information will be jotted down as well. So I apologize in advance.


[Day 22: Three Weeks In]

No progress so far. Oye. Maybe I just need to go poo.

[The Numbers]

  • Weight: 123.6 pounds
  • Water Intake: 750 mL by noon, 750 mL post workout
  • Workout Time: 65 minutes elliptical (580 calories burnt)

[The Meal Plan]

  • Breakfast: skipped
  • Lunch: skipped
  • Dinner: gỏi gà
  • Dessert: tiramisu cake (small slice), 3 cookies, 1 pomegranate, 1 tablespoon of peanut butter

[Day 21: Happy Birthday to ME]

My preceptor got me a thing of 4 triple chocolate cupcakes (each one possessing 360 calories). Very nice gesture, so I couldn’t refuse. I ended up giving one to my financial adviser (who I saw after I met with my preceptor), and then the security guard since I was walking by him. I wanted to give one to the career service guy too, but I couldn’t find him. The remaining two cupcakes called my name too loudly as I was sitting alone in the computer lab to research some residency programs that I wanted to apply to, so one of them ended up in my stomach. Afterwards, I felt gross. It was far more sugar than I’m used to. Usually when I’m craving something “candy-like” I go with a spoonful of peanut butter and it’s a pretty decent fix cause I can savor it pretty well. But this time, it was just sitting there. It was a really good cupcake, but man so many calories for a standard sized cupcake!

I also have Thai tonight with my roommate, so let’s see if I can just not eat anything for the next six hours before it’s time for my birthday dinner with the roommate and her mom (aka my surrogate mother here in MA). It turns out that I couldn’t, I was starting to get a headache cause I was so hungry so I ate some of that gỏi gà. Lots of cabbage can’t be too bad for you right?

But I definitely had the most amazing birthday evening ever. I hung out with my roommate and her mom and step father and another friend of mine. We went to this new Thai restaurant, and it was the bomb! I got the Green Curry with Duck and coconut rice. It was DELICIOUS! My roommate was also very sneaky and slipped in a tiramisu cake (my favorite), and the restaurant gave us ginger ice cream (also my favorite). It was definitely a good evening with good company.

[The Numbers]

  • Weight: 122.0 pounds
  • Water Intake: 591 mL by 2pm, 750 mL post workout = water intake was horrible today; practically half of my usual -_-
  • Workout Time: 65 minutes elliptical (524 calories burnt), 30 minutes walking on the treadmill for a cool down and to finish my episode of Fringe (105 calories).

[The Meal Plan]

  • Breakfast: skipped; woke up at 9 and laid around in bed and ended up almost late for my 10am meeting with my preceptor
  • Lunch: Kimberly’s Triple Chocolate Gourmet Cupcake (360 calories)
  • Post Workout “Snack”: gỏi gà
  • Dinner: half an entree of Thai green curry with duck and coconut rice, with some Thai iced tea
  • Dessert: tiramisu cake with ginger ice cream; and a small bite of Thai egg custard with sticky rice

[Day 20: Logistics]

This whole losing weight thing is actually harder and more discouraging than I initially thought when I started it October 1. I double checked my measurements this morning too, and none of them have changed any. I’ve been working out, I’ve been keeping myself hydrated, I’ve been watching what I eat. I just don’t get how I’m not losing weight, and today is almost the end of week 3, and I don’t feel like I’ve had much progress at all.

But in any case, I feel much better and not so much in that “blergh” mood that I have been in the last 24 hours or so now that I’ve spent a good chunk of time at the gym.

 

[The Numbers]

  • Weight: 122.6 pounds (122.0 pounds after work out)
  • Water Intake: 750 mL post-workout, 750 mL by 7:00pm, 750 mL by 10:00 pm
  • Workout Time: 60 minute on the elliptical (549 calories) with a stride/min between 172-182 (averaging around 178), plus another unaccounted for 6 minutes because I wanted to watch the rest of the Fringe episode I was watching, 30 minutes weight training – I can do more consistent reps now (3 sets of 10-12 depending on the machine), and use a little bit more weight than initial starting by 5-10 pounds

[The Meal Plan]

  • Breakfast: skipped – I didn’t get out of bed until noon
  • Lunch: foil packet chicken – contained half a chicken breast (they were really big so I had to cut it in half), half a zucchini, handful of roma tomatoes, and a third of a pint of baby bella mushrooms
  • Snack: 1 cup of pomegranate seeds, 1 tablespoon peanut butter
  • Dinner: gỏi gà – Spicy Cabbage and Chicken Salad with a mixed fish sauce dressing

[Day 19: Standstill]

I have no motivation to go to the gym today. I’m just tired and I want to go to sleep all day. Oye. Managed to sort of work out, got my heart rate up for a little bit before I just didn’t want to work out anymore. I find it funny that I’m more into working out when I’m at the gym than when I’m at home following fitness DVDs or YouTube videos. What counts is that I did something at least right?

I feel that I’m always so friggin’ lazy when I have days off at home. I think a new goal for myself is to get out of bed and stay out of bed until it’s bedtime. But it’s so comfortable to lay around bed all day when I can. Sleep sounds amazing right now, despite the fact that it’s only 7:18pm.

I’m also really bad at estimating how many calories I’ve consumed, and given today’s lunch was an all you can eat buffet, and I ate two plates where I had a small spoon of delicious Indian food, of everything there (they only had one bar set up). I really can’t tell how much I ate in terms of calories, but I figured I’ll just initiate intermittent fasting this way and not eat again until tomorrow around 12. So I guess 24 hour fasting period is the way to go. Maybe.

[The Numbers]

  • Weight: 122.0
  • Water Intake: 300 mL at the restaurant, 750 mL at by 7:30pm, 750 mL by 9pm, 750 mL by 11 pm
  • Workout Time: 30 minutes of Cardio Hip Hop, and like 4 minute of this YouTube abs workout routine

[The Meal Plan]

  • Breakfast: skipped – i was tired and slept up until lunch time
  • Lunch: two plates of an all you can eat Indian buffet – had a little bit of everything since it was my first time eating indian food
  • Snack: 1 granny smith apple

[Day 18: It Begins!]

Birthday extravaganza now begins! Let’s hope that at least I won’t gain weight. Oye…

[The Numbers]

  • Weight: 121.4 pounds
  • Water Intake: 750 mL by 10am, 750 mL by 1pm, 750 mL by 9:30pm, 750 mL by midnight = 3000 mL
  • Workout Time: None – got out of clinic an hour later than expected

[The Meal Plan]

  • Breakfast: 1 granny smith apple
  • Lunch: 6″ Subway sandwich, tuscan chicken with italian bread, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, spinach, olives, pickles, and buffalo sauce
  • Dinner: Teppanyaki hibachi-style with fried rice, lobster, filet mignon, and shrimp with veggies (zucchini and mushrooms)
  • Dessert: Ice Cream Cake

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