Monthly Archives: March 2011

Just A Little Advice

Sometimes I wonder if I’m making the right decisions or just going about things the way that my generation does it. It’s always nice to know when someone older (more experienced) than you can affirm your decisions and say that they believe that it’s the best decision for you.

If you guys didn’t know, I have a pretty dysfunctional family growing up, and I still do. Their actions and words in the past and present still affect me a lot, in more ways than I wish they would. Having an older figure to speak to and tell me that they’re proud of me, and that they think I’m phenomenal for achieving the things that I’ve managed to do thus far has been hard to come by because my parents never did it. As much as I try to have a high self-esteem, it’s hard sometimes when all my parents do is bring me down, saying all sorts of nasty things that are hurtful and harmful.

I had one of those good affirmation moments today though. I took my coworker from the restaurant out for lunch earlier today because she’s been dealing with a lot of issues, and as a friend taking her out to lunch was the least that I could do to help her ease off the stress. We were talking about everything that’s been going on lately, and it was nice talking to an older person. I feel more calm when thinking about what I’m going to be doing with myself.

I mean it could be the medication that the doctor gave me, but at the same time I don’t think it is. The medication was only to help me not be so compulsive. Moving out to Massachusetts for pharmacy school doesn’t sound that scary anymore. It’ll just be a two year 10 month adventure where the end is yet to be announced. As much as I’m still waiting to hear back from Colorado, I feel that it doesn’t matter anymore. My decision has been made, and if I ever were to choose Colorado after this moment it’d be more because it’s considered a “safe” school since it’s so close to home and all things familiar (my family, my friends, the city, etc).

Personally, I think it’s time for me to branch out and try something completely new. There’s no need to hold back anymore, to hesitate from living my life. Everything that I could possibly want for this very moment I have achieved. I’m doing things. I’m independent. I’m accomplished.

Most importantly, I’m finally able to be who I want to be. Not that person that everyone else wants me to be expects me to be.

It’ll be nerve wracking, but this journey called life will be well worth it in the end.

Signing off ~~~

Advertisements

Still Here… I Swear!

I didn’t mean to disappear and not post. I’ve just been occupied with other things. A lot of those things have really made me do a lot of self reflection. I’ve always been that doormat that people use and walk all over. It’s just the sort of person that I am I suppose. The one that is always useful to have around, yet not really thought of. I also care too much about the people I let into my life, so much that I sacrifice myself without even knowing it by simply putting them before myself. Every time. All the time.

In the end, it’s more because I dug myself this hole and I’m only making it deeper with every decision that I make. 99.9% of the time, if you ask anyone around me in life to describe me, they’d say that I’m strong. That I can take on the world on my own and do anything that I set my mind to. If I fall, despite how bad the crash, I’ll always be coming back better than ever. It’s all a lie really. I’m not that strong girl that everyone thinks. The way I deal with the world by just going against it head on is the only way I know how to deal with the world. Sometimes, when I fall, I don’t want to get up. I just want to stay there. Yet I always come back because I don’t want to worry the people around me. Sometimes I go through the motions so easily, I fool even myself.

After thinking a lot today, I realize that I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for a long time, I just put up a nice front for the world. Pretending to be okay is the only thing that’s keeping me together. There are a lot of things wrong with me, and I always keep myself too busy to notice. It’s because of all this down time lately that I’ve had a chance to really see things as they truly are.

I’m trying to learn about myself, the real me hidden from the world. I’ve managed to come so far since 2009, when I left my family behind and did something for myself, for the very first time. I need to put myself first, something that I rarely do. I just need to find my peace again, the real sense of peace instead of numbness towards everything around me.

It’s been a rough journey thus far, let’s hope it won’t continue to be rough. Sometimes, I feel as though I’ll crumble at the most minor detail. But for now, I’ll try to keep myself together and do that thing I usually do by staying “strong.”

Signing off~~~


Don’t You Hate It?

This morning as I was getting out of bed and getting ready to start the daily grind, I had some pretty good brain schemings regarding the potential story that I was going to devote my time to now that I’ve cut off Facebook and Gaiaonline. Yet when I sat down at this sushi restaurant (one of my favorite places to go) to eat dinner and write things down I couldn’t for the life of me remember any part of it at all. I suppose this is a lesson that I should have a pen/pencil with paper around me at all times and that I should always write things down even though I’ll say “I’ll do it later.”

Later never happens it seems. It’ll just slip my mind and then never come to form. Such a waste isn’t it? It could have been a best selling novel according to the New York Times too! But it’ll never get the chance because it never made it onto paper to begin to grow into some epic novel that everyone would have been talking about. This happens more often than not, and you would assume that I would have learned this by now. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve ever started writing.

I remember writing my first story ever when I was only in first grade. It was titled “Aliens at School.” I would have to say it was greatly influenced by the Bailey School Kids series, and that was also the initial signs of my morbid infatuation with the macabre. I mean I had a car driving down the neighborhood street with an ax that chopped off the head of the alien posing school teacher in front of a student that would have probably been no older than me at the time. I suppose that’s how I get the stress out and everything.

Ever since then, I was writing. Most of it at the time was fanfiction for Sailor Moon and Cardcaptors. I don’t think I really diverged from that genre until I hit high school. That was definitely the peak of my creative times. Then sometime after sophomore year or during junior year I stopped caring. The writing part of me took a pretty hard hit and hasn’t ever been the same since then. Looking back at what I wrote then, I’ll think to myself “Damn. I was actually a pretty good writer.”

I tried to get it started up again when I started college, but it never really happened. So now that I have all this free time, I’ll be starting it up again and hopefully it’ll stick. If it doesn’t? I really don’t know what I’d do with myself. My classes online can only take up oh so much of my time before I run out of things to do.

But in any case, here’s a trailer of sorts that I promised I’d post. I wasn’t quite sure which one to post cause there’s two different versions of it. So you’ll get this version for kicks, check out the other on youtube if you’re interested!

Signing off!


Hello World! (It’s a New Beginning)

These past couple of days off have definitely been rough on me. Yet at the same time, it’s given me insight on the type of person that I am. I find that I usually hide the fact that I’m not okay by being busy and occupied with stuff. In addition, I attempt to  fool myself (and the people around me) into thinking that I’m strong and will always come back better than ever.

I’m starting a new chapter of my life soon, and I need to sort things out and become the person that I want to be. So I’m taking time off from the world to re-prioritize myself. Knowing how much of an internet junkie I am, it’s rather difficult to truly disconnect myself from the internet. So lo and behold! A blog is born! Not that anyone ever really will read it. If you do, comment every now and then to let me know you exist and that I’m just not talking to the pixels on my screen.

As for what I want to do with this blog, it’s definitely a different take on what I’ve done in the past. Hopefully (fingers crossed here), I’ll be posting updates on my life, my thoughts on random topics, potentially sharing things of interests (such as videos, photos, articles, etc.). In addition, I’m planning on going back into my writing habits so perhaps I’ll post snippets and what not of whatever story I’m working on at the time. I’ll try to make a habit of posting something at every day, but we’ll see how that goes in the end.

To start us off, I just discovered the 2010 cdrama based of “The Myth” – a 2005 Jackie Chan Chinese film. I really enjoyed the movie when it came out, so I got rather excited when I found out that they had made a cdrama of it a few hours ago. I just watched the first episode of it and it has a lot of potential. It has Hu Ge in it, and I really liked him in the last drama I saw with him in it – The Young Warriors of the Yang Clan. The name of this cdrama is 神话 / Shen Hua if you guys want to check it out. Maybe after I get the hang of this wordpress thing I’ll subjugate you guys to trailers or images from the show (and other various things too).

Signing out~~

(PS. I like how I’m already assuming that there’s someone reading this.)