[Day 11: Frustrated]

If one more person tells me that I “don’t need to lose the weight” I am going to be furious. That’s been the first comment I’ve gotten from everyone when they ask me what’s new or what’s up. “Oh I decided October’s going to be fitness month, so it’s going to entail exercise and watching what I eat.” It just frustrates me that that’s the first comment that people say, right off the bat without thinking anything else or even questioning why I’m doing it or what drove me to it.

I’m doing this for myself, for my self-acceptance. And it’s not like I’m planning on being anorexic or lose some unrealistic amount of weight, I’m aiming for a BMI of 20.0, and you’re not even classified as underweight until you’re below 18.5 for your BMI. I would be at a BMI of 18.6 if I decided that I wanted to am for 100 pounds even. So yes, I’m small. Yes, I’m still within the normal BMI category. But how I am right now doesn’t matter, what matters if how I feel about myself and right now I don’t like myself at all.

I don’t want that pudgy belly anymore, or seeing how my fat spills out of my pants like the classic muffin top. I don’t want to avoid wearing some of my favorite shirts only because it is more fitted and therefore displays my gut for the world to see. The public eye doesn’t see what I struggle with because I try and hide it my best with the loose flow-y shirts, tucking in my gut into my pants, etc.

The stretch marks I have on my hips scare me. It means that I rapidly gained weight, fast enough that my own skin couldn’t keep up with it. If I don’t do something now, then things will surely get worse. Why wait until I am overweight before I do anything when I’m not even happy with where I am right now?

Why don’t I need to lose the weight? I may look “fine” to the public eye, but I have weight I can still lose, I’m not happy with myself, so then why shouldn’t I lose the weight? I wish people would just be more accepting at the fact that I’m trying to lose weight and become more fit to make myself happy. And to do that, it entails controlling my caloric intake and exercising more.

If the lack of support and questioning of my plan wasn’t bad enough, having a friend who knows you’re cutting back on all baked goods, sweets, and empty calories try and force a homemade cupcake with cream cheese filling and frosting at you. I appreciate the efforts, but she knows my goals, my plan, my intentions. Saying no once should suffice, but all night long?

Le sigh.

[The Numbers]

  • Weight: 121.8 lbs
  • Water Intake:  400 by noon, 750 mL by 6pm, 750 mL by end of workout, 750 mL by midnight = 2650 mL
  • Workout Time: 30 minute weight training per the Rebel Fitness Guide, 15 minutes on the treadmill

[The Meal Plan]

  • Breakfast: skipped because I didn’t get out of bed until 11am
  • Lunch: Chipotle Steak Salad (Romaine, fajita vegetables, steak, pico de gallo, corn salsa, sour cream, cheese, and a light drizzle of the vinaigrette) = 600 calories
  • Dinner: 1 serving chicken-olive sauté (Recipe found on Prevention.com) with 1/4 cup of quinoa

About zexification

25 year old, attempting to explore the world and herself one entry at a time! View all posts by zexification

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