I didn’t mean to disappear and not post. I’ve just been occupied with other things. A lot of those things have really made me do a lot of self reflection. I’ve always been that doormat that people use and walk all over. It’s just the sort of person that I am I suppose. The one that is always useful to have around, yet not really thought of. I also care too much about the people I let into my life, so much that I sacrifice myself without even knowing it by simply putting them before myself. Every time. All the time.
In the end, it’s more because I dug myself this hole and I’m only making it deeper with every decision that I make. 99.9% of the time, if you ask anyone around me in life to describe me, they’d say that I’m strong. That I can take on the world on my own and do anything that I set my mind to. If I fall, despite how bad the crash, I’ll always be coming back better than ever. It’s all a lie really. I’m not that strong girl that everyone thinks. The way I deal with the world by just going against it head on is the only way I know how to deal with the world. Sometimes, when I fall, I don’t want to get up. I just want to stay there. Yet I always come back because I don’t want to worry the people around me. Sometimes I go through the motions so easily, I fool even myself.
After thinking a lot today, I realize that I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for a long time, I just put up a nice front for the world. Pretending to be okay is the only thing that’s keeping me together. There are a lot of things wrong with me, and I always keep myself too busy to notice. It’s because of all this down time lately that I’ve had a chance to really see things as they truly are.
I’m trying to learn about myself, the real me hidden from the world. I’ve managed to come so far since 2009, when I left my family behind and did something for myself, for the very first time. I need to put myself first, something that I rarely do. I just need to find my peace again, the real sense of peace instead of numbness towards everything around me.
It’s been a rough journey thus far, let’s hope it won’t continue to be rough. Sometimes, I feel as though I’ll crumble at the most minor detail. But for now, I’ll try to keep myself together and do that thing I usually do by staying “strong.”